So....

I never wrote my official "we're expecting" blog post but I didn't manage to keep my mouth shut for very long on Facebook.

First trimester has been a bit of a challenge this time around.. I've been exhausted, nauseous, thrown up about once every day since my 6th week pregnant and I look awful and worn down. I remember feeling nauseated in my 9th week of pregnancy with Aubrie, I was moody and my boobs were SUPER sensitive and painful but other than that it was pretty easy. Anna's pregnancy was even better! This time around has been the pits!
At my first ultrasound I was given a new expected delivery date, based on the baby's measurements, for May 4th 2014 (our 5 year wedding anniversary). This would put me at exactly 11 weeks along yesterday (Saturday 10/12).  I was excited at the idea of moving out of first trimester into a much easier second trimester... But that might not be so.

In the early hours of the morning I got up to find quite a bit of blood. So much so that I immediately dressed and ran to the emergency room leaving Eric at home with the girls still fast asleep. I was admitted quickly and run through a slew of tests including an EKG because upon arrival apparently I was having tachycardia. No doubt due to my utter panic at the idea that I might be losing this baby...
Blood was drawn, IV drips inserted, medication for my nausea administered, a pelvic exam and two ultrasounds. The ultrasound was nerve-racking. There was a sign on the wall explaining that under threat of losing their certification, the ultrasound techs were not allowed to diagnose or give opinions. The tech scanned my belly quietly, capturing frames to be assessed by the physician. Her expression wasn't very reassuring and only added to the worry when she turned the screen away from my view and said we needed to do another type of scan for a better view. She prepped me for the more invasive transvaginal ultrasound and again quietly collected her images from around my womb. After several minutes in the dark I said "I'm afraid to ask.." To which the tech replied "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to tell you anything."
" I know, I saw the sign..." Silence again.
Then suddenly she moved the screen so I could see and paused to let me watch the tiny form on the monitor move. Pure joy! The baby was still alive! I couldn't help but cry "The baby's wiggling! He's ok!"
The tech smiled and said, "I may not be able to tell you anything but they didn't say I couldn't show you". She continued on with her work looking around at my ovaries and whatnot. I felt relieved.

When they wheeled me back to my room, I expected to be told all was well and be sent on my way. I thought maybe this was another case of the over paranoid expectant mother and eyes were being rolled at me outside of my room for wasting anyone's time. At least the baby is ok, I thought.
Two physicians swooped into my room and one quickly explained in a rush "so there was a hemorrhage between the placenta and uterine wall where the placenta has pulled away slightly. The baby is ok for now but this does put you at a higher risk of miscarriage, ok?" He said they were still waiting on the radiologists official report and they would be back with those results in a bit. They both swooped out of the room again to leave me mauling over the information.
I hadn't heard much about this kind of thing happening and I wasn't really sure what to think. "Higher risk for miscarriage" is never comforting to hear.
An hour later the other physician returned and rattled off the exact same thing the first dr said followed up with "be sure to rest and keep hydrated, but again this does put you at a higher risk for miscarriage."
I got the feeling that they were already leaning toward this outcome being the most likely. There wasn't much effort made to assure me that the baby was going to be fine, the words used were always "for now" and the last thing said was always "this increases your chances of miscarriage"... The discharge instructions prompted me to rest, follow up with my OB within 3 days and come back if the bleeding worsened.
An outpouring of prayers and encouragement filled my inbox from friends and family when I returned home. I felt ok for the most part although somewhat more "fragile". I didn't fully understand what I was facing so like anyone with access to the internet, I googled "placenta separating from the uterus" it brought back a formal name and description of the condition- Placenta Abruption. The medical sites described this condition as "very dangerous for mom and baby" and said most cases result in preterm birth or miscarriage... not comforting..
I googled on. Forums were filled with simular worried mothers looking for encouraging success stories... to my dismay women recounted story after story of placenta seperations early on that ended the pregnancy, abruptions in the second trimester that resulted in preterm babies and few survivors, third trimester abruptions that yeilded stillborns.. Ah but a ray of hope! A story of an early abruption that healed itself and ended with a healthy full term baby! A few accounts of preterm deliveries 23 weeks and on that survived! Some encouraging moms who carried to full term on modified bedrest!

I'm holding onto these good stories and trying to stay positive. My midwife should be calling me tomorrow and hopefully she'll be more reassuring.

For now, prayers for our little bean are always welcome! <3